Pre-birthday Challenge: Finding a Sweet Compromise.

I consider myself to be 'just okay' when it comes to cooking or baking.

“Don’t worry about cooking, you’ll figure it out anyways when you get married…”, my mother would say. My mom is a great cook. She can prepare an elaborate, 5-course dinner for 20+ guests with ease. It’s no easy task.

My sister and I could always count on a warm, welcoming meal waiting for us when we returned home from school. Cooking for her family was one of her love languages and the kitchen possibly offered her some much-needed headspace (that most moms need ☺) as she worked alone.

But also almost implicitly, mom wisdom at the time was to enourage prioritization of education and later a career over immersing myself in 'traditional' kitchen skills. Naturally, I didn't feel I was missing out by not diving early into the art of self-sustenance.

My journey with cooking began in my early thirties.

In 2010, I was diagnosed with an auto-immune condition and conventional medicine offered no answers. That's when I discovered a pioneering practitioner in LA who specialized in gut health, who prescribed a strict elimination diet and herbal remedies. I was to cut out sugar, soy, dairy, chemicals, and all preservatives from my diet, which meant I had to rethink my entire approach to food. Cooking at home became a necessity to combat the rapid weight loss resulting from an AIP (auto-immune protocol) diet. Eating out was not an option.

Throughout this journey, I learned a great deal. I became an advocate for my own health, diligently reading food and product labels to avoid chemicals, including those deceitfully labeled as 'natural' and 'healthy' in consumer products.

Fast forward six years, I became a mom.

Although we maintained a mostly clean diet at home, we allowed our son to enjoy childhood favorites like ice cream, pizza, and school treats. But soon I began to see a direct connection between these sugar and wheat based pro-inflammatory foods and their effects on his overall well-being. Worried that he would develop the same health struggles I had, I took it upon myself to create healthier alternatives to his favorite treats, despite my limited cooking skills.

My home-cooking had to be both 'healthy' and 'practical.'

We moms are not only accountable for household chores as past generations, but we work, help with homework, support their social-emotional needs & growth, make time extracurricular activities and attend to our social commitments. We are expected to wear many hats. Learning how to cook in a healthy but practical was essential for me to gracefully manage my responsibilities. And with time and experiment, my cooking skills began to improve using natural, whole-food ingredients that tasted good.

It seemed like I had it all figured out until…my son’s 7th birthday.

With dairy and nut added to his long list of food sensitivities, we decided to order a themed cake for our 50+ guests, while I’d bake something ‘special’ just for him this year. “I just want your blueberry cake, mom. I don’t want anything special, just the way you always bake it,” he emphasized. I tried to convince him that I was up for the challenge with no luck. He was set in his intention. So, I finally gave in. After all, it’s his birthday wish, right?

Boy, I was wrong!

Two days before the party, we stopped at our local bakery to finalize the details of our guests’ cake. Standing in front of the display of beautifully decorated cakes, inevitably, he changed his mind. He declared he never wanted my blueberry cake!

We, parents, sometimes walk a very thin line trying to figure out what path would lead to our kids’ happiness (when in hindsight, sometimes no path). Maybe it’s a transition in their lives, an emotional backpack they are carrying, maybe it’s our own beliefs and deep-rooted emotions that get in the way.

Do you ever feel clueless to what your next move should be?

Even though my decisions are rooted in my son’s wellbeing (and not driven by ‘diet culture’ mentality), I still struggle with guilt and doubt, just like other parents struggling to raise a child with food sensitivities. Reflecting back, the reason I yearned to bake him something more special wasn't to finally refine my baking skills :) Not being able to offer him more than a simple home-baked cake was like ‘guilt served as frosting’. I was trying to convince myself that I still had some control over this aspect of our lives, but it was a false sense of control.

A million thoughts were crossing my mind…

I knew I didn’t have enough time to find a baker who specialized in gluten-free, sugar-free, and a dairy-free cake (as the former two are doable with specialized bakers using lactose as a sugar substitute) in less than two days. I flushed with panic. I felt I was set to fail.

“This is where my just okay cooking journey ends”, I thought. “He is growing, there is peer influence, and he needs than I can provide him”. Then I picked up one of the boxed gluten-free cakes the baker pointed out. I turned it over to check the ingredients label. And, looking at that 7' food label with endless list of chemicals that I can’t even pronounce quickly helped me regain my parenting back bone.

Chocolate brownies sealed the deal.

Despite our strict food restrictions as a family, I like to stay optimistic. I know there is always a way to make health-ier food taste good. We just have to find out how. To overcome this moment of uncertainty for both of us, I decided to fully involve him in the process instead. I asked him if he would like to take down ALL my cookbooks from our library and look at pictures of baked cakes together so he can choose one. Shifting that mindset from ‘scarcity’ to ‘abundance’ immediately lowered the tension we were feeling earlier. I promised him that I’d stay as close to the recipe as I could. Instead of milk, I could use almond milk, instead of sugar, we could use maple syrup, and a gluten-free flour, of course. He liked a picture of chocolate brownies that looked scrumptious and we sealed the deal! As I was preparing this brownie, mixing far more sweetener than I often do, I found myself actually smiling because my cake had no chemicals, no cane sugar but only a handful of good ingredients. That was a win for both of us.

Additional thoughts…

I like to have conversations with other parents about parenting, nutrition and feeding challenges. I often listen and don’t give advice. Not because I don’t want to help but because I believe the answer is so individual from family to family with our diverse backgrounds, family health history, traditions and values. I am also not a big fan of quick-fixes, because they are simply not sustainable.

These conversations make me wonder what it would be like for my son making his own decisions away from home without me being there to guide him. I am unsettled about our society’s lack of focus on health promoting, nutrient dense foods over processed foods which are linked to alarmingly increasing rates of chronic illnesses.

Instilling optimism with small actionable steps to improve our family’s diet (maybe with a few whole food based choices a week) and empowering our kids with a sense of abundance (rather than restriction) especially in early childhood years, is my passion. And this is my way of expressing my love to my son, just like my mom.

Please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences and feedback in the comments below.
Let's sweeten this conversation together!